Toxic People

We’re all familiar with the conventional wisdom regarding toxic people, right? According to society, the healthiest thing to do is to cut out toxic people as quickly and cleanly as possible. After all, the person is destroying your joy and peace of heart. You have given her plenty of chances and she has messed up again and again. The chances are slim that she’s ever going to change. Why would you continue to allow her to affect your life? She’s no longer benefitting you in any way.

I have to say, this attitude never sat well with me. It always seemed unpleasantly transactional, another symptom of our throwaway culture and a society that is always trying to figure out what’s “in it for me”. Pop psychologists will tell you in one breath that you should be able to trust loved ones completely, and tell you in the next that you need to carefully monitor your relationships to make sure you’re not giving more than you take. It’s a way to protect yourself, they say. And they’re not wrong. A society where this viewpoint is adopted is a society where relationships are very fair, in the same way that a prenuptial agreement is fair. Let me be clear; it’s not fair that one person should have to put up with a loved one’s moral failings. At some point, it is fair to walk out.

So why am I still hesitant to say it’s the right thing to do? Because we’re called to a higher standard than justice. We are called to love. Is it really reasonable to expect that our threats to withdraw our love will accomplish anything? It might make the other person conform exteriorly. I can say, though, that if that person is consciously taking advantage of you and hurting you, they do not care whether you love them or want them in your life. If they do care, and you make it clear that your love is contingent upon good behavior, the realization will be shattering.

At this point, you may be saying, “Okay, but why does any of this concern me? She’s not my responsibility!” Well, as a Christian, I really couldn’t disagree more. Of course, one could adopt the attitude of Cain, who defended himself before God by saying he wasn’t his brother’s keeper. However, as Pope Francis reminded us during his address on October 19, 2018, to be indifferent to someone is to kill him in your heart. Cain killed Abel in his heart long before he killed him in the flesh. We must also remember that Jesus commands us to love our enemies. How much more are we called to love those He has put in our lives as family and friends? Love is not something we can have in the abstract and not the concrete. if we must love our enemies in concrete ways, surely it is the least that charity requires not to “detox” from those closest to us at the first sign of weakness.

Now, I’m not saying that all this means we’re not allowed to set boundaries. Telling someone what’s okay and what’s not doesn’t mean you don’t love them, in fact, sometimes it’s the kindest thing you can do for that person. And it sometimes happens, especially in cases of abuse, that physical distance is the best course of action to take. Keep in mind, though, that there is always some way you can continue to love the person, even if it is only by praying for them. What I caution against is acting on the premise that there comes a point at which the other person ceases to be a precious child of God and starts to be a “toxin”. We are not the judges of others’ souls; God has reserved that privilege for Himself. His greatest commandment is to love Him, as well as our neighbor. If we keep this commandment, we are safe from becoming “toxic” ourselves. Refusing to treat others as conduits of self-gratification not only helps them, but also helps us to grow in virtue and build a more loving world.

I’m providing the link here to the (excellent) speech by Pope Francis referenced in this article: https://ewtn.com/catholicism/library/even-contempt-and-indifference-kill-7468